I'm lying in bed in Paris. My thoughts are heavy. There’s a car outside honking. I think about whether it was was a good decision to eat all that pasta for dinner or if I should have gone to the gym.

Somehow it feels like I have enormous difficulty choosing between these two small decisions. Maybe it is my generation or my own codependency, which is resulting in whichever decision I make in life, I somehow doubt it. .

It’s just not possible to win. FOMO for life. Fear of missing out. Not only does my generation have to try to live up to their parents' standards, a generation that owns houses, holiday homes, lands, or apartments in Spain, but we wont even have a planet anymore to enjoy these things on.

It may not be crazy to aim for these goals. Previous generations have done so, since we have the sole purpose of surviving the winter. Today's existence crisis is different from the existence crisis of the last 50 years.

I pointed out at some point the other day that in 2060 my driver's license expires. I used to laugh at the fact that I would be have the same silly photo of 19-year-old me when I become 70 years old (as long as I don’t lose the card itself). Now I’m laughing at the fact that 10 years before my driving license expires, there will probably be no glaciers left in Iceland. Country of ice and snow. Fire and ice.

No, I’m not laughing, I’m crying inside and I get anxious. Anxiety over something so big that I don't control it myself. How do I feel anxious if it is because of a real thing I have no control over. My future is literally at stake.

I try to buy less plastic and I dont drive and I .. and I .. do what? Share news about the decline of the environment, the acidification of the ocean etc, hoping that we wont bring the world to some slow death caused by humans themselves.

I watch the David Attenborough episodes with tears in my eyes, starving polar bears, walruses that fall down cliffs and dying young birds. This was just one episode and it was enough. I once watched the nature documentaries to learn and have fun. Now I learn and doubt everything I do. I mean, why do I do it all, because it's all going to fucking be pointless right?

Will anyone stay here to remember me, Miriam, who didn't want to lose faith in a better and more righteous world? I'm just a plastic particle in acidic waters, a small unit in a big problem - and what should I do about it?

(If someone has other responses than just being optimistic they can send me a message).